Dooming the World to Eternal Darkness
by LeDiz
Summary: Doctors. Duelists. The Millennium Watch! A stereotypical day for the kings of games unfolds. [50 credit and blame goes to JKateel]


_**Dooming the World to Eternal Darkness**_

**DISCLAIMER**: My venture into the obligatory cracktastic fic. Yes, this is worse than Whatever Turns You On. And Tabloids are Evil. But they have the same source. 50 percent credit (and blame) goes to Jay.

* * *

There were some things Yuugi felt he would never be able to understand.

Latin was one of them. His parents were another. Kaiba Corporation's obsession with monopolising every single chain that produced material goods was the biggest.

He frowned, holding up his mother's new favourite lounge cushion. "Yami?"

"Mm?" His darker self was currently sitting on the couch beside him, completely oblivious to their new lounge set, due to the card tournament playing on the television.

"This part of the Kaiba Corp. logo… does it look like a lens to you?"

Yami glanced at him sideways, raising an eyebrow. "A lens?"

"Like a camera lens," he said, shifting over to show him. The obligatory Kaiba Corp. logo took the form of a cushion button in the lounge set, and was a dark, shiny plastic. "Wouldn't it be weird if it really was? Kaiba-kun putting cameras into everyone's lounge cushions."

Yami scowled, taking the cushion to eye the button. "I doubt it would be everyone's cushions, aibou," he said darkly, and Yuugi blinked. He just smiled vaguely, casually punching his fist against the button.

"Right… anyway. So who's dueling now?" he asked, turning back to the television. He leaned forward, bracing one foot on the coffee table as he wrapped his hands around his foot, peering at the screen in honest curiosity. "Oh! Bob Kuerisu! He's supposed to be pretty good."

"Uh huh…" Yami tilted his head, raising an eyebrow at the casual flexibility.

"I hear his specialty is a surprise attack. It's gotta be… Yami…? What are you staring at?"

"I just noticed," he said calmly, shifting onto his knees. "Your glands look really swollen, aibou, I should check those out."

Yuugi gave him a look. "The other me, you woke me up with a tonsil inspection."

"Yes, but better safe than sorry," he said, pushing Yuugi back into the couch.

"Ah! Hey, wait! You said I was – ah, oh, okay, um… ohh…" Yuugi rolled his eyes back, struggling to think of a reason to object. "Oh, um… you… said I was… oh, yes, that – that's nice, there… wait, stop, I was okay, and – ahh…"

"Mm, I just wonder if I was really thorough enough," he said, and moved up to capture Yuugi's grin, gently prying his lips apart with his tongue, forcing his thigh between Yuugi's legs. "Can never be too careful," he purred, working his fingers up Yuugi's chest.

"Doctor, huh? Are you qualified for that position?"

Yami grinned, ready to give him a full medical exam, when a sharp ringing cut through Yuugi's moans. He flinched, then decided to ignore it, before it rang twice more. He twitched as Yuugi pushed his face away, looking around at the door.

Yuugi's mother and grandfather had gone out for the day, which was why Yuugi wasn't objecting to playing on the couch, but it also meant that technically, they were supposed to be minding the game shop. They weren't, but they knew they should at least answer any calls.

Yami hesitated, then smirked. "Let's ignore that."

"Let's not."

"Aibou!"

Yuugi gave him an incredulous look, and he groaned, rolling up to standing. "I am so punishing you for this when I get back."

He grinned, winking at him. "I look forward to it."

Yami smirked at him, but began glaring as soon as he was out of the room, wishing hell and eternal damnation to whoever was interrupting them. It wasn't often he got to feel Yuugi up outside their bedroom, and to have the promise of…!

He yanked open the door, openly glaring at the utterly normal-looking brown-haired, freckled, slightly overweight boy on the other side. "This had better involve the end of the world, or it'll be the end of yours."

The boy blinked once, then grinned, holding up a duel disk. "Hah! You may have the power of intuition, but it is nothing compared to my powers! For I am Bob! The Duelist!"

Yami stared at him blankly. "Bob the Duelist? Isn't he an American hunk of clay?"

"I say, what are you talking about, old boy?"

Yami continued to stare at him. "I… wait…" He turned back to the house. "Aibou! Some freak here to see you!"

"That's not nice, the other me," called Yuugi, before he appeared in the doorway to the house. "Hi, welcome to the Kame Game Shop, can I help you?"

"Good day, chap," said Bob, smiling pleasantly, before he spun back to Yami, pointing a savage finger straight into Yami's face. "Now I challenge you to a duel! For I am Bob! The Duelist!"

Yuugi blinked, and Yami stared again.

"And if you shall not duel me, I shall wreck a havoc on this world like you have never before seen!" declared Bob. "I shall send this world to the darkness with my Millenium… uh…" He paused, furrowing his brow as he lowered his eyes in thought. Yuugi and Yami exchanged glances, and Bob sighed, holding up a hand. "Hang on, I'm getting there…"

"Uh… Bob… kun," began Yuugi, nervously. "There are only… seven millennium items…?"

"Wait, I know!" he cried, ignoring him. "I shall send this world to the darkness with my Millennium Pocket Watch!"

Yami's eyebrows lowered back into his customary glare, and Yuugi rubbed the back of his neck, a little concerned for the boy's mental stability. "Uh… Bob-kun… they didn't have pocket watches in Egypt…"

"They didn't have sporks, scrunchies or bras, either, but I didn't hear the last group complaining," muttered Yami, but the other two ignored him as Bob began to cackle in what he clearly thought was a maniacal fashion.

"Yes! So you have a choice, puny mortal! Duel me and surrender your title as Game King, or condemn this world to an eternity of darkness!"

There was a pause, and then Yami held up a hand. "Give me five minutes."

Yuugi blinked, then face faultered. "Yami!"

"What? It's only five minutes! He can keep count on that Millennium Pocket Watch!"

"Yami, he's talking about the end of the world!"

"Actually, old boy, I'm really just talking about eternal darkness," said Bob, quietly. "The world can keep on going, I don't mind. Just in darkness."

"What part of me looks old to you?" he snapped back, even as Yami began tapping his foot in frustration.

"Oh, no, I'm British, you see, so I have to say things like that."

"British people don't talk like that."

"Oh, yes they do."

"No, they don't! And they don't carry pocket watches either!"

"Oh, I'm sure they do! Haven't you ever seen an American version of Oliver?"

Yuugi took a deep breath, then looked up at Yami, who was leaning back and—if his smirk was any indication—imagining Yuugi without at least one article of clothing. Yuugi's eyebrow ticked, and he turned back to Bob, who was humming "God Save the Queen" (and getting several notes wrong), so he looked up at Yami again. "Times like this, I really wonder if the title's worth the hassle, the other me."

"And you would have me give it to him?" asked Yami, jerking his thumb at Bob.

"Well, no, I just… Wait! What am I talking about! Yami, accept his duel and save the world!"

Yami hesitated, then frowned, pointedly turning his back on Bob. "After we finish."

"No!"

"Why not? I think much better after sex!"

"Maybe, but you duel better when you're sexually frustrated!"

"I do not!"

"Ah, chaps?" interrupted Bob.

"Do so!"

"Eternal darkness?" interjected Bob.

"I have never dueled better than after sex!"

"Hell on Earth?" reminded Bob.

"Do I need to cross reference every duel you've ever had?"

"I did so want to duel today," said Bob.

"Prove it!"

"Please?" asked Bob.

"We'll see how well you duel without sex, cause you sure aren't getting any now!"

Yami flinched, staring at him, but Yuugi just met him head on with a pointed glare. There was a pause, and then Yami spun around to point back at Bob. "Alright! I accept your challenge!"

"Oh good," said Bob, before he straightened up, bring up his duel disk. "I mean – Fine! It's time to Duel!"

"Uh, actually, no it's not," said Yuugi, and the other two stared at him incredulously. He shrugged. "Well, come on. This isn't part of a manga arc, here, we have to have it either in America or a huge stadium. It's a rule."

"You do have a point, old boy…"

"I'm not old!"

* * *

"Thanks for the ride and the dueling arena, Kaiba-kun," said Yuugi, as they stepped out into the large stadium of Kaiba Corporation. "How'd you know we needed it?"

"Hn. I heard some British brat wanted to challenge you for your title. The British Press will be all over this, so Mokuba feels we have to take advantage. Yami… might I suggest less leather, more normal clothing?"

Yami stared at him. "What?"

"You wouldn't get challenged half as much if people could take you seriously as anything but an expert in bondage," he said pointedly, and Yuugi smiled and nodded.

"I like that idea!"

"If only you'd let me be an expert in that," he muttered, then raised his voice to answer Kaiba. "Not all of us can pull off the gravity defying coat tails, Kaiba."

Yuugi coughed, carefully not looking at the back of Yami's jacket, and Kaiba smirked. "They're patent pending. Dueling ring's over there, Yami, strange little brat. Yuugi, the private viewing box is up here, care to join me?"

Bob skipped his way over to the dueling arena, and Yami had been about to follow when Kaiba's words caught his ears. He immediately spun around, gaping as Yuugi began to follow Kaiba. "Oh, hell no!"

"Yami," said Yuugi, not even turning around. "Would you please save the world already?"

"Aibou –!" he began, but before he could even take a step, the elevator doors slid open again and a crowd full of gaming reporters fell out. He unfortunately took the time to stare at them, and they immediately swarmed around him, bad British accents flying as they began asking questions. Yami gaped, staring over their heads to where Kaiba was casually placing his hand on Yuugi's back, leading him into the elevator for the viewing box. "Hold it!"

But Yuugi just turned to smile up at Kaiba, and the door closed behind them.

However, the inside of the elevator was no less crowded than the outside, as Anzu, Honda and Jounouchi were all standing inside, grinning at them. "Hey, Yuugi!"

"Guys!"

"What are you three doing here?" demanded Kaiba, and Honda shrugged.

"We heard some British nutjob wanted Yami's title. We've gotta be here to cheer him on," he explained.

"It's a rule," Anzu added cheerfully, and Yuugi nodded.

"But he's not really British. And he has a Millennium Pocket Watch, which is just wrong on so many levels…"

Meanwhile, Yami was beginning to twitch in frustration. The press were asking too many questions ("Do you think you could maybe let him win? "We aren't holding out much hope for a King William right now, what do you think of King Bob?" "Do you ever bathe with Yuugi and could we get photographic evidence?"), Bob was attempting to cackle again, and Kaiba had his aibou in an enclosed space! He opened his mouth, raising his hand to begin mind crushing everyone in sight, when a sudden shriek echoed around the stadium.

They all turned, and Yami paled as he recognised the multi-coloured hair.

She was tall, beautiful, wore a sequined jacket embroidered with the name 'Maeri', and, up in the viewing box, Yuugi, Jounouchi and Honda all began to grin over her beautiful soul.

"No, Bob the Duelist!" she cried. "I will not let you defeat Yami!"

"Who the hell is that?" demanded Anzu, staring at her.

"How dare you interrupt an innocent man's chance at true happiness? I am Pretty Soldier Duelist Su, and in the name of the… uh… Duel! I will punish you!" she cried, pointing at Bob with a melodramatic sweep of her hand.

"She can punish me anytime," said Jounouchi, approvingly, and Anzu whacked him over the head.

"Think you can get a shot of that beautiful soul?" a reporter muttered to his cameraman, and Yami twitched.

"Now, evil doer!" cried Su, before she performed a spectacular and gravity defying leap over the clump of reporters to land in Yami's place on the dueling ring. "It's time to Duel!"

"Hah! You may have the heart of the cards on your side, but I have the almighty power of my Millennium Pocket Watch!" shouted Bob. "You will not win, you lowly mortal!"

"I never said I had the Heart of the Cards," said Su, blinking at him. "Are you sure you're British? You sound like an American Dubber."

Bob blanched, then fell back, scrabbling around inside his jacket. "I say, I am no dubber! I have the Millenium Pocket Watch! Fear me!" He pulled out a golden trinket, then paused, looking at it. "Oh, damn, it's stopped again… one moment chaps…"

They all sighed, Yami setting a hand on his hip in irritation, before Bob looked up again with a grin. "Ah hah! Behold the ticking power of darkness!"

Su gasped, but she was the only one. Yami rolled his eyes and pushed past the reporters to head over to the viewing box.

"I don't know why you put up with it," Kaiba was saying as Yami entered the box. "I would've dumped him long ago."

Yuugi rolled his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Seto…"

"Seto?" screeched Yami, and they all spun around. "He's Seto now?"

"I prefer Seto-sama, myself," said Kaiba, smirking.

"Aw, that's so cute!" said Anzu, while Jounouchi and Honda gagged.

"That's it, aibou!" snapped Yami, snatching up Yuugi's wrist. "I am taking you back to _our _home, chaining you to _our _bed, and we are going to have such mind blowing sex you won't even know this bastard Kaiba's name!"

"That reminds me, Yuugi, did you get those Kaiba Corp. sheets I sent you?" asked Kaiba.

Yuugi opened his mouth to answer when there was a sudden flash of light, and they turned to see Bob lying on the ground, sobbing as Su cheered for herself.

"I win! I am the Queen of Duelists! Yami-kun belongs all to me now!"

There was a pause, Yami inching away from the dueling window, while Yuugi's eyes narrowed into dark slits.

"And I shall hug him and squeeze him and call him George!" continued Su, bouncing up and down. "And he will be mine all mine to make sweet, sweet love to, and he shall swallow lots of viagra and we will live happy ever after, and –"

"Hey," said Jounouchi, blinking at Yami. "Where'd Yuugi go?"

"What are you talking about, he's right –" Yami blinked, staring at his empty hand. "Aibou?"

"Out there," said Anzu, pointing out the window.

Sure enough, Yuugi was stalking up onto the dueling platform, Yami's duel disk strapped to his arm and pulling his deck from his back pocket. He stepped up onto Bob so he could meet her collarbone eye to eye, and glared. "You want the King of Games?"

She blinked, then nodded.

"Then you got him," he snapped, shoving his deck into the duel disk. "Bring it on!"

Kaiba smirked. "Winner of this last-second tournament gets a five star suite at Hotel Kaiba."

"Yay!" cried Su, bouncing off to stand ready again. "I can have a honeymoon with George!"

"Why Hotel Kaiba?" asked Jounouchi.

"For the sheets," replied Honda, and Anzu rolled her eyes.

"For the security footage, more like it," she muttered, and both Yami and Kaiba blinked.

"Wait a minute…"

"Yuugi's going to win this duel…"

"Whoever wins the last-second tournament gets a five star suite with Yuugi…"

They stared at each other for a minute, before Yami lunged for Jounouchi's duel disk and Kaiba grabbed up his deck. "DUEL!"

* * *

"These prawns are really great, Yami, you should try some," said Yuugi, taking another one off the silver platter. "The sauce is just amazing!"

"Hmm…" was all Yami could say. He was sitting on the king-sized bed, inspecting the Kaiba Corp. logos that adorned every corner.

"Oh, will you get over it?" sighed Yuugi, frowning at him. "Se- uh, Kaiba-kun would not put cameras into his products. Besides, why would he want to put them in sheets? He'd end up seeing us… doing… y'know…"

"I think the point, aibou, would be to see _you_ do 'y'know'," said Yami, now searching over the pillow.

"You're being paranoid. Kaiba-kun doesn't think of me that way," he said dismissively, then noticed the television and grinned. "Hey! They're showing the highlights of our duels today!"

"G'doi, mates, and I'd'a like t'welcome y'to Duelist Corner!" said the commentator. "I'm an Ocker Australian Bloke, and this here is my mate Average American Joe!"

"Fchizzle my nizzle, peeps! Props to this Yuugi man representin' the magic hood! Whoodihoo! Lemme hear ya holla if ya hear me, my homies!"

"I am so disturbed," said Yami, picking up the next pillow.

"Awight, mates. Now first thing you gotta remember when watchin' these blokes is that these are the _kings of games_. So we gotta show some respect. So what I'm gonna do, is get right up behind Yami here, and look at his hand."

"Yo! My homies out in TV land, 'member, what we're doin' here is strictly VIP only, so I don' wanna hear about none of ya all doing none of this at home, a'ight?"

"Now, see, the other me, this is what I was talking about," said Yuugi, leaning back to look at him. "You beat Kaiba-kun in under twenty minutes, and you know why?"

"Because he was staring at your arse half the duel," muttered Yami, but Yuugi chose not to hear him.

"Because you were sexually frustrated," he said sensibly. "We had been interrupted, so you were anxious, and therefore brilliant at your game."

Yami rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, then smirked and threw his pillow aside. "Which reminds me, we have some lost time to make up for…"

"Mm, doctor…"

Unfortunately, a sharp ringing cut through the silence before he could even start, and he groaned, pushing himself away from Yuugi to get the door.

It was room service, but the young man on the other side of the door flung Yuugi's club sandwich aside to wave his golden serving plate. "Behold! I am Ja'aku—which translates to EVIL, by the way—wielder of the Millennium Serving Platter! I challenge you to a duel, or I shall doom this world to eternal darkness!"

Yami stared at him for a long moment, then pulled a thousand-yen note from his pocket. "This is yours if you give me ten minutes."

Ja'aku—which translates to EVIL, by the way—stared at the note for a long moment, then threw his serving plate aside. "Deal. See you in ten."

"Bye," he said, and shut the door behind him.

* * *

_DISCLAIMER: Bob is not English. Ocker Australian Block is… not… Steve Irwin (he's too intelligent), Average American Joe is not black, he just thinks he is, and I claim no responsibility for this fic. Really. Jkateel wrote most of it. Honest._


End file.
